Since I promised posts, I might as well start now. The weather has been really nice lately. It's fairly warm, it's sunny. I'm super happy about it. Especially since I have the chance to spend time outside every other day. I'm not sure if I've posted about my schedule this semester or not. I'm on independent study two periods (of the same day, actually). For one, I do whatever (and go wherever) I want, it's really just a placeholder. The other, I sit in on a physics class. It gives me some time during the day, but I still feel super busy. I spent third period (the first independent study) outside in the grass, editing a paper and napping. I spent fourth (the other independent study) finishing editing that paper. It's a ten page paper, so it takes a while, especially when I'm easily distracted.
Speaking of distractions, there are many things I should be doing right now. I have a project due tomorrow in econ- which I have a B in. I can't just leave it like that! Erg. I have a whole bunch of silly research to do for speech class. I feel so done with speech already. I have a ten minute long speech to write for Humanities. It's my senior speech, about my senior project. Big deal, required to graduate.
AND, I need to curl my hair tonight. Because I got different rollers and I need to make sure my hair will be awesome for prom. Ahhhhhhh. I feel so busy. But I won't be overwhelmed. And I will get everything done. Econ first, then speech class, then humanities. I can always wing that one. Especially since I wrote a 12 page paper about it.
Fourteen more school days. Seven more of each of my classes.
I'm excited. I'm a little nervous. Leaving all this behind is a huge, but awesome thing.
And here's where I get myself back on track.
I have to focus!
Goodnight, all
Love, Marian.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Long time, no post.
This is going to sound like an incredibly lame excuse for not posting, but I have been very busy. School has been ridiculously stressful. Which should mean I need to write more. But I haven't even had much time for sleeping. I should be sleeping right now, in fact.
I'm not even sure what all has happened since my last post. Let's start with speech. Natquals was awesome, but we're not going. We're third alternates in our district. Which is great. State was great too. We placed third overall. I didn't get anywhere much with my individual events. That makes me officially a debate kid now. It hit me at state, I'm not an IEr; I'm a debater. It was kind of a cool realization.
Since then, my life has been school. My workload increased, and increased until my AP tests. My tests are finally over, but for some reason my workload hasn't gotten any lighter. Well, I'm sure that's a lie. But it FEELS like it hasn't gotten any lighter.
This is a new thing for me. Feelings. Talking about feelings. Well, writing. Calling them feelings. I'm not sure what's up with me right now. Today I had a serious talk with myself. I realized a few things.
First off, blame myself for way too much stuff. Seriously. I know I'm not going to be able to really change that, but I can try. At least I'm conscious of it. Also, I try too much. I just want everybody happy, all the time. And I try really hard to be perfectly okay all the time when I'm around people. I came to the conclusion that I just need to let go a bit. I get caught up in everything and I forget to breathe. I forget to enjoy it. I forget to just live. People are like soda bottles. Life is the bitch who likes to shake them up. Some events take the top off, and everything spills out at once. If that pressure isn't released, you'll explode.
Back to current events....
Today I chose where I'm going to live next year. I'm excited. It's been official for a while that Oregon State is my destination. I'm not sure whether or not I've posted about this, but I was accepted into their engineering internship program. I'll be taking a year off to have paid internships with real companies. I'll be making at least 17 dollars an hour. That's awesome. I'll pay off about two years with that. That part of life looks pretty awesome.
In other news, senior prom is next Saturday. I'm super excited. I never got a real date but I'm taking a good girl friend of mine. It will be fun. I think I've let go enough to actually enjoy it without any bitterness. I just have to let go. It seems I have another thing to add to my directions for life: Find truth, find balance and let go.
This makes me think of my Humanities teacher. I love that man. It's less of a normal teacher-student vibe and more of a simple sharing of thoughts and ideas. But he has years on me in experience. My handwriting is still better. Hah.
With that, I'm going to go to bed.
I will attempt to post more than I have been. I miss writing. I'll be back sometime.
With love, Marian.
I'm not even sure what all has happened since my last post. Let's start with speech. Natquals was awesome, but we're not going. We're third alternates in our district. Which is great. State was great too. We placed third overall. I didn't get anywhere much with my individual events. That makes me officially a debate kid now. It hit me at state, I'm not an IEr; I'm a debater. It was kind of a cool realization.
Since then, my life has been school. My workload increased, and increased until my AP tests. My tests are finally over, but for some reason my workload hasn't gotten any lighter. Well, I'm sure that's a lie. But it FEELS like it hasn't gotten any lighter.
This is a new thing for me. Feelings. Talking about feelings. Well, writing. Calling them feelings. I'm not sure what's up with me right now. Today I had a serious talk with myself. I realized a few things.
First off, blame myself for way too much stuff. Seriously. I know I'm not going to be able to really change that, but I can try. At least I'm conscious of it. Also, I try too much. I just want everybody happy, all the time. And I try really hard to be perfectly okay all the time when I'm around people. I came to the conclusion that I just need to let go a bit. I get caught up in everything and I forget to breathe. I forget to enjoy it. I forget to just live. People are like soda bottles. Life is the bitch who likes to shake them up. Some events take the top off, and everything spills out at once. If that pressure isn't released, you'll explode.
Back to current events....
Today I chose where I'm going to live next year. I'm excited. It's been official for a while that Oregon State is my destination. I'm not sure whether or not I've posted about this, but I was accepted into their engineering internship program. I'll be taking a year off to have paid internships with real companies. I'll be making at least 17 dollars an hour. That's awesome. I'll pay off about two years with that. That part of life looks pretty awesome.
In other news, senior prom is next Saturday. I'm super excited. I never got a real date but I'm taking a good girl friend of mine. It will be fun. I think I've let go enough to actually enjoy it without any bitterness. I just have to let go. It seems I have another thing to add to my directions for life: Find truth, find balance and let go.
This makes me think of my Humanities teacher. I love that man. It's less of a normal teacher-student vibe and more of a simple sharing of thoughts and ideas. But he has years on me in experience. My handwriting is still better. Hah.
With that, I'm going to go to bed.
I will attempt to post more than I have been. I miss writing. I'll be back sometime.
With love, Marian.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Feeling Philosophical
Today, I've been reading and writing for humanities. It's left me feeling philosophical. Here's some of my musings.
It doesn't matter who said it, when, or in what context, if it holds truth.
Truth holds both the answer and the question.
The trouble, is finding it.
It doesn't matter who said it, when, or in what context, if it holds truth.
Truth holds both the answer and the question.
The trouble, is finding it.
We live on the ends of branches, thinking it's all so far apart, but it all comes back to the same.
I may be adding more to this later, for now, goodbye.
Have a nice day,
Marian
Monday, March 12, 2012
Today
I was told a few times today that I'm too understanding. (Or something along those lines. Sometimes it was just the look.) I don't feel like going into the details. But, it's gotten me thinking. I say a lot that people bother me. That I'm not a people person. But, I love people. Well, excluding idiots. Legitimately stupid people just irritate me. That's beside the point. The people who matter to me, which is a lot of people, if I'm being honest, I would do just a lot for. Wow. How vague of me. It's just that I came to the realization that people matter to me more than just about anything else. People and contentedness. That's what matters. To me at least.
I think this is part of the reason I've always been so adaptable. I can find people I like and my own happiness in many places. On top of that, I don't need people. I just like to have semi interesting people around. It's enjoyable. But, I am perfectly happy to spend lots of time with myself.
I think I'm one of the most easygoing people I know. I like me for that.
Wow. I think I just made another connection back to humanities. I love that class. And I'm feeling pretty good about everything else right now. I have lots to do in the coming days, but whatever. I'll get it done. I always do. I'll be happy while I'm doing it too.
I apologize for the vagueness that is this post. I just need to get my thoughts out again.
If you ever need someone to be there for you, shoot me an email. I like helping people with their issues. Makes me feel useful.
Goodnight, and good luck in all your endeavors,
Marian.
I think this is part of the reason I've always been so adaptable. I can find people I like and my own happiness in many places. On top of that, I don't need people. I just like to have semi interesting people around. It's enjoyable. But, I am perfectly happy to spend lots of time with myself.
I think I'm one of the most easygoing people I know. I like me for that.
Wow. I think I just made another connection back to humanities. I love that class. And I'm feeling pretty good about everything else right now. I have lots to do in the coming days, but whatever. I'll get it done. I always do. I'll be happy while I'm doing it too.
I apologize for the vagueness that is this post. I just need to get my thoughts out again.
If you ever need someone to be there for you, shoot me an email. I like helping people with their issues. Makes me feel useful.
Goodnight, and good luck in all your endeavors,
Marian.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
The ups and downs of life.
Life has been it's regular up and down self lately. The past few weeks have been quite stressful, but it's getting better.
The posts I've made in the past month or so have been, for the most part, depressing. Skimming over them, I can see myself trying so hard to be at least sort of positive. I don't know how to summarize accurately about all the downs life's thrown at me. Some things can't be summarized accurately. In this case, I was left with a metaphorical box of bitterness and unhappiness. That's what I do, by the way, when I'm upset; I put unhappy feelings in a box and tuck them away. Far, far, away, in the recesses of my mind, only to let them open when I'm alone. It only works if you open the box however often necessary to let emotions out, so the box itself doesn't decide when to burst.
Moving past the depressing metaphor.... Things have gotten much better. I have since saved the friendship that was the subject of this unhappy box. The past two days have been awesome, in that regard. Openness is greatest thing ever. Putting the effort in to be completely open with someone is fantastic. I can't even begin to explain how much. It's more than just being honest with someone. It's telling someone the full truth, without holding back. It builds great friendship. You should try it sometime.
I've come to a few realizations through all of this. The specifics will come out one by one. However, I will say that there is one concept, one idea, behind everything: Truth.
I'll leave the explaining for another time, just think about it.
This weekend has been fairly calm. I haven't had math homework. We had a test last class that I'm pretty sure I did not do well on. We'll see, I guess. All I really need to do is read my book for humanities and write my paper. I also need to finish my mind map. It's basically a visual outline that expands in all directions, instead of list form. It's going to be the outline for my huge paper, and I know it. Therefore, I want to put some work into it. I also want to get some photoshopping done today. I think I'm going to go do that now. While I watch tv.
It's really nice just to have some time to relax. Even if I'm still doing work, it's not a bad kind of work. I'm getting back into my groove of life. And I like that.
Looking out the window, the snow is swirling down. Wind blowing, sky gray. It looks pretty in the air. In the clouds, it's ominous. On the ground, it's an inconvenience.
Snow is quite the metaphor. Things are good and bad, sometimes they accumulate, sometimes they don't. But, things always work out when you work for them to. Regrets, unhappiness, everything in between... you can do something to change that. If you really want to; if you're willing to put the effort in; if you're willing to be honest and open about it. You can change it.
Have a good day,
Marian.
The posts I've made in the past month or so have been, for the most part, depressing. Skimming over them, I can see myself trying so hard to be at least sort of positive. I don't know how to summarize accurately about all the downs life's thrown at me. Some things can't be summarized accurately. In this case, I was left with a metaphorical box of bitterness and unhappiness. That's what I do, by the way, when I'm upset; I put unhappy feelings in a box and tuck them away. Far, far, away, in the recesses of my mind, only to let them open when I'm alone. It only works if you open the box however often necessary to let emotions out, so the box itself doesn't decide when to burst.
Moving past the depressing metaphor.... Things have gotten much better. I have since saved the friendship that was the subject of this unhappy box. The past two days have been awesome, in that regard. Openness is greatest thing ever. Putting the effort in to be completely open with someone is fantastic. I can't even begin to explain how much. It's more than just being honest with someone. It's telling someone the full truth, without holding back. It builds great friendship. You should try it sometime.
I've come to a few realizations through all of this. The specifics will come out one by one. However, I will say that there is one concept, one idea, behind everything: Truth.
I'll leave the explaining for another time, just think about it.
This weekend has been fairly calm. I haven't had math homework. We had a test last class that I'm pretty sure I did not do well on. We'll see, I guess. All I really need to do is read my book for humanities and write my paper. I also need to finish my mind map. It's basically a visual outline that expands in all directions, instead of list form. It's going to be the outline for my huge paper, and I know it. Therefore, I want to put some work into it. I also want to get some photoshopping done today. I think I'm going to go do that now. While I watch tv.
It's really nice just to have some time to relax. Even if I'm still doing work, it's not a bad kind of work. I'm getting back into my groove of life. And I like that.
Looking out the window, the snow is swirling down. Wind blowing, sky gray. It looks pretty in the air. In the clouds, it's ominous. On the ground, it's an inconvenience.
Snow is quite the metaphor. Things are good and bad, sometimes they accumulate, sometimes they don't. But, things always work out when you work for them to. Regrets, unhappiness, everything in between... you can do something to change that. If you really want to; if you're willing to put the effort in; if you're willing to be honest and open about it. You can change it.
Have a good day,
Marian.
Friday, March 9, 2012
I haven't abandoned this, promise.
I've obviously been away from here for quite a while. Life has been being it's usual self- up and down, stressful and enjoyable.
I'll be getting to a more detailed post in the next few days. For now, I'm simply going to summarize.
Stepmom and little brother are back from Brazil. I miss the quiet, even though they've only been back for two days. Brother's even more adorable. He's also even more stubborn.
Speech has been keeping me crazy busy. I'm not even sure how much I've printed for debate. National qualifiers are in two weeks and I'm not prepared.
School has been stressful. I'm not doing so hot in math recently. This unit hasn't been my best. I've abandoned my hopes of an A for this semester. It really makes no difference anyway. And I'll get over it. Humanities has been awesome. I have a book to read and a paper to write in the next two days. Everything else school related has just kind of been.
Last weekend I was at Oregon State. One of the most awesome things about Oregon State's engineering department is the internship opportunities. Most people apply at the end of their sophomore year of college but, they do internships for a pre select program. Basically, to get super intelligent people to go to their school. That's why I was there last weekend. Guess I'm super intelligent.
With my lack of posting here, I have been venting and such with my friends more (via facebook). I know an amazing group of people. I'm grateful for all the friends I have. I'm actually sad to know I'll be leaving it behind next fall. In the past, I was so eager to leave, to get out, to be done with it. It's when we're faced with losing something that we learn to appreciate it.
I've gained perspective in ways I didn't know I would. It's most always like that, I guess. But still, life has thrown me something more unexpected than usual.
I'm going to end with some lyrics, because it feels appropriate.
Goodnight, I'll be posting again soon, Marian.
"Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
Then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
And then you
Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride"
Jem- Just a Ride
I'll be getting to a more detailed post in the next few days. For now, I'm simply going to summarize.
Stepmom and little brother are back from Brazil. I miss the quiet, even though they've only been back for two days. Brother's even more adorable. He's also even more stubborn.
Speech has been keeping me crazy busy. I'm not even sure how much I've printed for debate. National qualifiers are in two weeks and I'm not prepared.
School has been stressful. I'm not doing so hot in math recently. This unit hasn't been my best. I've abandoned my hopes of an A for this semester. It really makes no difference anyway. And I'll get over it. Humanities has been awesome. I have a book to read and a paper to write in the next two days. Everything else school related has just kind of been.
Last weekend I was at Oregon State. One of the most awesome things about Oregon State's engineering department is the internship opportunities. Most people apply at the end of their sophomore year of college but, they do internships for a pre select program. Basically, to get super intelligent people to go to their school. That's why I was there last weekend. Guess I'm super intelligent.
With my lack of posting here, I have been venting and such with my friends more (via facebook). I know an amazing group of people. I'm grateful for all the friends I have. I'm actually sad to know I'll be leaving it behind next fall. In the past, I was so eager to leave, to get out, to be done with it. It's when we're faced with losing something that we learn to appreciate it.
I've gained perspective in ways I didn't know I would. It's most always like that, I guess. But still, life has thrown me something more unexpected than usual.
I'm going to end with some lyrics, because it feels appropriate.
Goodnight, I'll be posting again soon, Marian.
"Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
Then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
And then you
Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride"
Jem- Just a Ride
Monday, February 13, 2012
Stress writing.
I shouldn't be taking the time to write. But, tonight is the first night in what seems like a long time that I actually feel like I'm getting stuff done. I'm still overwhelmed, but at least I'm not drowning. I'm coming to straight-up conclusions with myself, I'm dealing with everything. I'm getting my stuff done as best I can. For once in the past few weeks, I actually feel like I can be bouncy and legitimately okay. Things still suck, but I'm okay. I'm okay with feeling crappy about it. I'm okay with the inexplicability (there's no way that's a word. Haha.) of life.
Tomorrow's Valentine's day, February 14th. It's my half birthday. I always found that ironic. Honestly, it's just another Tuesday. It's just a day people decided to give meaning. But why let other people decide what days have meaning? Why can't every day have meaning? I'd rather float along in contentedness, than have serious ups, and the serious downs that accompany the ups.
I love music. I love my friends. I love what I still have, yet I grieve for what is lost. This seems so... against what I always say. You just have to deal with life as it comes. Let the past be the past, do what you can to fix it then move on with life.
If for nothing else, I'm glad for perspective. The things learnt in times like these. Whether it's because of brain chemicals, or simply the way things are, negative events provide a lot. However, we humans always portray past events as more positive than negative. Is it because things are always worse when you're in the middle of them? Or, is it because we legitimately see the better side of negative events after they've past?
Looking back at this post, I'm feeling good. I haven't been in this contemplative mood much lately. I'm glad to have it back.
Another thing I'm glad for is my friends. Through all of this mess of emotions that I've been, I've come to see just how awesome my friends are.
When upset, I pull myself inside my box. I internalize everything. I sort all the unhappy things into boxes and attempt to store them in the far reaches of my mind. I try to compartmentalize, to focus on only what can be focused on without being near those boxes. Over the past two weeks, I have forced myself not to do this.
I will not confine myself to a box.
I will not.
I will live freely as I can.
I will be as happy as I can.
I'll be okay. No matter the stress, the schoolwork, the lack of sleep.
I'll be perfectly okay.
Those are my thoughts for the night.
I wish you a good day,
Marian.
Tomorrow's Valentine's day, February 14th. It's my half birthday. I always found that ironic. Honestly, it's just another Tuesday. It's just a day people decided to give meaning. But why let other people decide what days have meaning? Why can't every day have meaning? I'd rather float along in contentedness, than have serious ups, and the serious downs that accompany the ups.
I love music. I love my friends. I love what I still have, yet I grieve for what is lost. This seems so... against what I always say. You just have to deal with life as it comes. Let the past be the past, do what you can to fix it then move on with life.
If for nothing else, I'm glad for perspective. The things learnt in times like these. Whether it's because of brain chemicals, or simply the way things are, negative events provide a lot. However, we humans always portray past events as more positive than negative. Is it because things are always worse when you're in the middle of them? Or, is it because we legitimately see the better side of negative events after they've past?
Looking back at this post, I'm feeling good. I haven't been in this contemplative mood much lately. I'm glad to have it back.
Another thing I'm glad for is my friends. Through all of this mess of emotions that I've been, I've come to see just how awesome my friends are.
When upset, I pull myself inside my box. I internalize everything. I sort all the unhappy things into boxes and attempt to store them in the far reaches of my mind. I try to compartmentalize, to focus on only what can be focused on without being near those boxes. Over the past two weeks, I have forced myself not to do this.
I will not confine myself to a box.
I will not.
I will live freely as I can.
I will be as happy as I can.
I'll be okay. No matter the stress, the schoolwork, the lack of sleep.
I'll be perfectly okay.
Those are my thoughts for the night.
I wish you a good day,
Marian.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Advance apologies for this
I need to get it out. This post will consist of thoughts, rants, worries.
I don't even know how I feel. I'm overwhelmed. I'm stressed. There's just too much happening. Logically, I know that I don't have that much crap to do in my life, that I can get everything done fine. But emotionally, I feel like like I only have a small amount of energy left to hold me together. And the pieces are slipping, falling, collapsing. When there's people around, I have all that energy pushing in on me, keeping me contained. It's easier when people are around. Alone, I have no such distraction. Right now, I'm attempting to replicate that pressure. Loud music and ringing ears can make it go away, at least a little. But, all I can think is that it's not enough. It's not loud enough to drown out all the stress.
I haven't even done my math homework. I'm getting behind. I'm worried. I feel like... a box made of paper, full of rocks. And life is shaking me, and the weak little paper sides can't hold everything together anymore. On good days, there's glue holding all those rocks together, the paper is thicker.
I was doing so good. I was making everything okay. I was pretending to be fine and convincing myself. Now... it's just too much. I'm overwhelmed. I can't. I just want to curl up and make the music so loud I can't think. But it won't go louder.
I'm so unstable. I've been talking to myself a lot lately, more than usual. I've had those moments where I just start laughing. It's the kind of semi-hysterical laugh that earns you funny looks. The kind of laugh that lets everyone know you're crazy, you're unstable, that you don't have yourself together.
I like stability. I don't want to not have it. I don't care about the double negative.
Music's still not loud enough.
Impromptu poetry.
Attempting to
Erase all thought.
Ears ringing,
not caring.
Music:
Louder.
Louder.
Still not
Loud
Enough.
Attempting to
Numb all emotion,
Failing.
Still not
Loud
Enough.
Curling,
Enveloped in
Blankets and
Darkness.
Still,
That feeling
That life is bashing
Your head
Against
The
Wall.
That is how I feel. Venting: done.
Goodnight.
Marian.
I don't even know how I feel. I'm overwhelmed. I'm stressed. There's just too much happening. Logically, I know that I don't have that much crap to do in my life, that I can get everything done fine. But emotionally, I feel like like I only have a small amount of energy left to hold me together. And the pieces are slipping, falling, collapsing. When there's people around, I have all that energy pushing in on me, keeping me contained. It's easier when people are around. Alone, I have no such distraction. Right now, I'm attempting to replicate that pressure. Loud music and ringing ears can make it go away, at least a little. But, all I can think is that it's not enough. It's not loud enough to drown out all the stress.
I haven't even done my math homework. I'm getting behind. I'm worried. I feel like... a box made of paper, full of rocks. And life is shaking me, and the weak little paper sides can't hold everything together anymore. On good days, there's glue holding all those rocks together, the paper is thicker.
I was doing so good. I was making everything okay. I was pretending to be fine and convincing myself. Now... it's just too much. I'm overwhelmed. I can't. I just want to curl up and make the music so loud I can't think. But it won't go louder.
I'm so unstable. I've been talking to myself a lot lately, more than usual. I've had those moments where I just start laughing. It's the kind of semi-hysterical laugh that earns you funny looks. The kind of laugh that lets everyone know you're crazy, you're unstable, that you don't have yourself together.
I like stability. I don't want to not have it. I don't care about the double negative.
Music's still not loud enough.
Impromptu poetry.
Attempting to
Erase all thought.
Ears ringing,
not caring.
Music:
Louder.
Louder.
Still not
Loud
Enough.
Attempting to
Numb all emotion,
Failing.
Still not
Loud
Enough.
Curling,
Enveloped in
Blankets and
Darkness.
Still,
That feeling
That life is bashing
Your head
Against
The
Wall.
That is how I feel. Venting: done.
Goodnight.
Marian.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Past few weeks
I've been away for a while, as you may (or not) have noticed. Life has been a bit up and down for me the past few weeks. I'm not sure how to summarize it all. I have learned a few important things. First, I have really amazing friends. I can't say it any simpler. On that same note, I have learned better ways to cope with unhappy situations. Sometimes, life sucks. It really sucks. Especially when nothing can be done to fix it. During this, I forced myself not to withdraw. Most of the time, when hurt, I pull everything into my little shell. I don't let much in or out. It's depressing and doesn't help much. This time, that was not the case and I came to realize how amazing my friends really are. Things still suck. But I'll be alright. I'm not sure why I'm so sure I'll be okay. It's a part of who I am, I guess. In the end, I know I'll be fine. I figure everything out, even if I'm not super happy. I pretend I am until I convince myself.
Yesterday evening, I decided to be energetic about that convincing. I was home alone at my dad's. So, I turned my music up, I ate unhealthy food, and I acted silly. I had lots of pent up energy bouncing around. It was at that point I decided my hair needed trimming. Don't worry, I've cut my hair plenty of times. It's shorter than I planned; I cut about four inches off. It looks good, it's just shorter than I wanted. Oh well. I'll enjoy it.
For now, I think that is all this post needs. Not a whole lot other than that has happened. Life's just been it's up and down self. A lot of ups coming to an end and bringing some serious down. It's done now, and there's not much to do about it. There's not anything to do about it, in fact.
On that note, I think this post is coming to an end.
Tonight, I'm going to read. Maybe, I'll do some writing. I'll most definitely be getting a lot of sleep. It's not an exciting plan, but I think I need some calm time.
Have a good day, no matter how much life sucks.
You can make today better.
Goodbye and goodnight,
Marian.
Yesterday evening, I decided to be energetic about that convincing. I was home alone at my dad's. So, I turned my music up, I ate unhealthy food, and I acted silly. I had lots of pent up energy bouncing around. It was at that point I decided my hair needed trimming. Don't worry, I've cut my hair plenty of times. It's shorter than I planned; I cut about four inches off. It looks good, it's just shorter than I wanted. Oh well. I'll enjoy it.
For now, I think that is all this post needs. Not a whole lot other than that has happened. Life's just been it's up and down self. A lot of ups coming to an end and bringing some serious down. It's done now, and there's not much to do about it. There's not anything to do about it, in fact.
On that note, I think this post is coming to an end.
Tonight, I'm going to read. Maybe, I'll do some writing. I'll most definitely be getting a lot of sleep. It's not an exciting plan, but I think I need some calm time.
Have a good day, no matter how much life sucks.
You can make today better.
Goodbye and goodnight,
Marian.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Thoughts and photos
It was overall a good day. It's especially good to know that I don't need to do homework tonight. I don't need to worry or stress about school until Sunday. Today has been made even better because of a really awesome meat lover's pizza. Bacon on pizza is one of the best things ever. Tomorrow is dedicated to speech. I'm missing winter formal for speech. Not like I really care much, but I have friends going.
The next six-ish weeks in my house are going to be quiet. My stepmom and my little brother left yesterday night to go to Brazil to visit family. I like the calm of living with my dad alone, but the energy is going to be missed.
I have many interesting thoughts bouncing around in my head. I think I'll spend much of the evening with those thoughts. Photography is one of the subjects of these thoughts. Next semester I'm not getting any written assignments. I'm working on what I want to work on. There's only one requirement- 20 photos a week. But they don't all have to be good, so I should be okay. I'm excited to work on my portfolio; I'm just not sure what direction I want to go. I'm including some photos I like:
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With most of these, I find the feel of the photos is similar. I'm not sure how exactly to put into words how they fit together. A few stand out, like the ink and my drums. I have a few months to find out what exactly I'm doing. For now, I'll keep going in this direction, following the feel and I'll keep pondering.
The next six-ish weeks in my house are going to be quiet. My stepmom and my little brother left yesterday night to go to Brazil to visit family. I like the calm of living with my dad alone, but the energy is going to be missed.
I have many interesting thoughts bouncing around in my head. I think I'll spend much of the evening with those thoughts. Photography is one of the subjects of these thoughts. Next semester I'm not getting any written assignments. I'm working on what I want to work on. There's only one requirement- 20 photos a week. But they don't all have to be good, so I should be okay. I'm excited to work on my portfolio; I'm just not sure what direction I want to go. I'm including some photos I like:
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With most of these, I find the feel of the photos is similar. I'm not sure how exactly to put into words how they fit together. A few stand out, like the ink and my drums. I have a few months to find out what exactly I'm doing. For now, I'll keep going in this direction, following the feel and I'll keep pondering.
Humanities is always an interesting class. All kinds of thoughts in my head spawned from humanities. My first thought: on the last three essays, I got 100%. I'm quite proud of myself for that. There's so much more though. That class makes me think like none other. It's awesome. I love it.
I'm also thinking about a story I wrote recently. Well, a part of a story really. I want to write more of it. I'd love to write a novel. I would so love to actually be able to get to that point. I hope this story can do that. The characters interest me. There is substance to them. I hope I stay interested in it long enough to get some length to their story.
Life in general is going pretty good right now. I'm quite content with it all. I've said it before, but I'll say it again; contentedness to me is deeper, more all encompassing than happiness. Happiness is a state of mind, contentedness is an all-being, positive acceptance with life. Content is that quiet, happy feeling that resonates.
I'm going to go write, then sleep.
Have a nice night,
Marian
I'm also thinking about a story I wrote recently. Well, a part of a story really. I want to write more of it. I'd love to write a novel. I would so love to actually be able to get to that point. I hope this story can do that. The characters interest me. There is substance to them. I hope I stay interested in it long enough to get some length to their story.
Life in general is going pretty good right now. I'm quite content with it all. I've said it before, but I'll say it again; contentedness to me is deeper, more all encompassing than happiness. Happiness is a state of mind, contentedness is an all-being, positive acceptance with life. Content is that quiet, happy feeling that resonates.
I'm going to go write, then sleep.
Have a nice night,
Marian
Monday, January 23, 2012
Busy days
The past few weeks, I've been riding this extreme happy attitude. I've had a few days in which the stress took over. But, in general, it's been good, very good. There's been a lot of good people, happy times and deep thought. It's all been keeping me quite busy.
The end of the semester is nearing. I'm bracing for my 3.98 GPA to be slaughtered. As far as I can tell, B's are unavoidable in both AP photography and AP calc BC. It might keep me from a few scholarships, but it won't keep me from life. I'm determined to prove that.
Today in humanities we spoke of a few very thought provoking things. The first I'd like to mention, but second we talked about, was fear. We were to contemplate what fears we have about our future, our next steps. That's a hard one for me. I really don't know. I know I'll be fine no matter what happens. I honestly do know that. I'll figure out my life wherever it takes me.
That leads me to something I learned the other day. I'm still learning exactly how it applies, though. It's not about making my life fit into the world, it's about making the world fit into my life. It's not about melding how I am, how I go about things, where I'm going, to fit the world. It's about changing where I'm at in the world. It's about changing the world I'm a part of to fit what my life is. There are so many pieces of the world, sometimes all it takes is moving out of the rut you're already in.
Moving on to the other topic of today's humanities class... to put it simply: unconditional love. It began with questioning what unconditional love means to us. It moved to thinking of three people we love unconditionally. Unconditional love is recognizing someone's imperfections and knowing it's part of who they are. Even when you don't understand their actions or thoughts, accepting them. Love as a two way street reaches a level you just cannot get otherwise. Unconditional love differs for everyone, so I'm going to move on. The trick with the people we love unconditionally was that we had to include ourselves. That was tough for me as well. I don't always like myself, though I do respect myself. It's hard to put that in terms of love. Needless to say, my top two people were my two best friends.
I have many more thoughts bouncing around in my head, but I must go. I have homework to finish. Scholarship essays to write.
Go have some serious thoughts with yourself. You'll appreciate it.
Goodnight all,
Marian.
The end of the semester is nearing. I'm bracing for my 3.98 GPA to be slaughtered. As far as I can tell, B's are unavoidable in both AP photography and AP calc BC. It might keep me from a few scholarships, but it won't keep me from life. I'm determined to prove that.
Today in humanities we spoke of a few very thought provoking things. The first I'd like to mention, but second we talked about, was fear. We were to contemplate what fears we have about our future, our next steps. That's a hard one for me. I really don't know. I know I'll be fine no matter what happens. I honestly do know that. I'll figure out my life wherever it takes me.
That leads me to something I learned the other day. I'm still learning exactly how it applies, though. It's not about making my life fit into the world, it's about making the world fit into my life. It's not about melding how I am, how I go about things, where I'm going, to fit the world. It's about changing where I'm at in the world. It's about changing the world I'm a part of to fit what my life is. There are so many pieces of the world, sometimes all it takes is moving out of the rut you're already in.
Moving on to the other topic of today's humanities class... to put it simply: unconditional love. It began with questioning what unconditional love means to us. It moved to thinking of three people we love unconditionally. Unconditional love is recognizing someone's imperfections and knowing it's part of who they are. Even when you don't understand their actions or thoughts, accepting them. Love as a two way street reaches a level you just cannot get otherwise. Unconditional love differs for everyone, so I'm going to move on. The trick with the people we love unconditionally was that we had to include ourselves. That was tough for me as well. I don't always like myself, though I do respect myself. It's hard to put that in terms of love. Needless to say, my top two people were my two best friends.
I have many more thoughts bouncing around in my head, but I must go. I have homework to finish. Scholarship essays to write.
Go have some serious thoughts with yourself. You'll appreciate it.
Goodnight all,
Marian.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Thoughts of a snowy evening.
As the title suggests, today was full of snow for me. It snowed some yesterday, and even more today. I'm guessing there's about six inches outside. I've attempted to be tangibly productive the past two days. I've done a lot of thinking, a lot of reading, a lot of watching interesting youtube videos. Not so useful for school but, I'm finding the ways these things fit, the elemental patterns. I love it.
(A few of the things that got me pondering recently: A phenomenal story I read. Start at the end and read backwards so you actually read in sequence. This video is how I found that story. She says some interesting things. It's all connected to the other stuff too. Enough links for today.)
The things in my life recently are amazing. I've had these experiences, made these connections, that I had never thought about. I feel I am going in a direction I like. Not only that, but I feel it's a direction I want. I've found all these things that relate back to humanities and the discussions we have there. It's all connected, in a way. This reminds me of something I'm beginning to be known for: waving my arms around and exclaiming, "It's all connected!" But it's more serious, more real, than just that.
I have, in the past, fulfilled my obligations, found happiness to an extent and planned for my future. But I am now finding truth in my life. I am finding the truth of what I enjoy, of where I'm going and why. I'm finding truth in my friendships, my goals. This truth has provided a very solid sense of motivation.
I've known to a point who I am. But I am finding the sheer, simple truth beneath it all. There is a difference there. I'm not sure how discernible that difference is to anyone other than myself. Nonetheless, this difference exists.
This whole post may be a bit confusing. I apologize. It's all about this quest business. It's a search to find something personal. Everything during the quest is connected to the quest. I have been sworn to secrecy. We are not to speak of our quests. This post is something I felt I needed to write, however. It's a realization I needed to get into words. And, I think there is no issue in sharing it. This much at least.
In writing this, I've gotten those chills. The chills from saying something so full of unrestricted honesty. I love that. Truth is like why. But truth isn't just about an explanation. Truth is a soul-reaching description of the cause. These thoughts of contemplation, of deep honesty, make this contentedness with life. It's not only a contentedness with where I am, but also of where I'm going, how I'm feeling. This motivation it's brought me is really great. Right now, I really love life.
Go. Right now. Go make today a little better. Make life a little better. Find something that motivates you. That makes you feel good.
"Happiness is a state of mind, not a circumstance."
Find how to make that state of mind. And be happy.
Marian.
(PS. I hit 1,000 pageviews today! Yay!)
(A few of the things that got me pondering recently: A phenomenal story I read. Start at the end and read backwards so you actually read in sequence. This video is how I found that story. She says some interesting things. It's all connected to the other stuff too. Enough links for today.)
The things in my life recently are amazing. I've had these experiences, made these connections, that I had never thought about. I feel I am going in a direction I like. Not only that, but I feel it's a direction I want. I've found all these things that relate back to humanities and the discussions we have there. It's all connected, in a way. This reminds me of something I'm beginning to be known for: waving my arms around and exclaiming, "It's all connected!" But it's more serious, more real, than just that.
I have, in the past, fulfilled my obligations, found happiness to an extent and planned for my future. But I am now finding truth in my life. I am finding the truth of what I enjoy, of where I'm going and why. I'm finding truth in my friendships, my goals. This truth has provided a very solid sense of motivation.
I've known to a point who I am. But I am finding the sheer, simple truth beneath it all. There is a difference there. I'm not sure how discernible that difference is to anyone other than myself. Nonetheless, this difference exists.
This whole post may be a bit confusing. I apologize. It's all about this quest business. It's a search to find something personal. Everything during the quest is connected to the quest. I have been sworn to secrecy. We are not to speak of our quests. This post is something I felt I needed to write, however. It's a realization I needed to get into words. And, I think there is no issue in sharing it. This much at least.
In writing this, I've gotten those chills. The chills from saying something so full of unrestricted honesty. I love that. Truth is like why. But truth isn't just about an explanation. Truth is a soul-reaching description of the cause. These thoughts of contemplation, of deep honesty, make this contentedness with life. It's not only a contentedness with where I am, but also of where I'm going, how I'm feeling. This motivation it's brought me is really great. Right now, I really love life.
Go. Right now. Go make today a little better. Make life a little better. Find something that motivates you. That makes you feel good.
"Happiness is a state of mind, not a circumstance."
Find how to make that state of mind. And be happy.
Marian.
(PS. I hit 1,000 pageviews today! Yay!)
Saturday, January 14, 2012
A long two days.
Yesterday and today were spent at speech and debate. Too many awesome conversations happened for me to detail. In short, it was a really great tournament. I love my speechies. I love my team. Even though I act like their mother. But, I really don't mind it.
I didn't do exceptionally well, but everything was quite positive. Debate went well, even when I expected it not to. We've decided to do duo together, using the piece I was going to use for humorous. It's two students in the woods at two AM. One student is digging a hole. The other student happens upon the first and is very suspicious, as you would expect. You find that the first student really is in the woods digging a hole for no reason, while the second went out there to dig a hole herself. It's quite an entertaining piece and I'm excited to use it for a duo. I was a bit worried about characters as a humorous. I legitimately think we have a chance with it. That makes me happy. It makes me excited, to want to practice.
In a different train of thought... On the way home, I was sitting in my dad's car, watching the snow fall. Driving through the snow makes me feel like I'm going through space at warp speed. It was mesmerizing. Hypnotic almost. I attribute much of that to being tired. I'm still in speech mode, however. I have the whole different way of talking. In this case, a different way of writing.
I do believe it's about time for bed.
Goodnight all,
Marian
I didn't do exceptionally well, but everything was quite positive. Debate went well, even when I expected it not to. We've decided to do duo together, using the piece I was going to use for humorous. It's two students in the woods at two AM. One student is digging a hole. The other student happens upon the first and is very suspicious, as you would expect. You find that the first student really is in the woods digging a hole for no reason, while the second went out there to dig a hole herself. It's quite an entertaining piece and I'm excited to use it for a duo. I was a bit worried about characters as a humorous. I legitimately think we have a chance with it. That makes me happy. It makes me excited, to want to practice.
In a different train of thought... On the way home, I was sitting in my dad's car, watching the snow fall. Driving through the snow makes me feel like I'm going through space at warp speed. It was mesmerizing. Hypnotic almost. I attribute much of that to being tired. I'm still in speech mode, however. I have the whole different way of talking. In this case, a different way of writing.
I do believe it's about time for bed.
Goodnight all,
Marian
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Busy Thursday Evening.
I've had my ups and downs this week. I am determined that I can be positive and happy from now on. Nothing (just about) will be able to get me down. The more I say that, the more true it feels.
Today has been quite wonderful. I had one of those moments in which I realized how great I am. This came from the added feelings of awesomeness from reading recommendation letters about me, a 100% on an essay for a class with an extremely critical teacher, and walking past a mirror and realizing how attractive I am.
It's most definitely been a good day. Now, I have many things to do. I'm feeling the motivation. I'm feeling the productive air. I'm in that state that I am extremely productive and content. Life is good. Even if I probably won't get any sleep tonight. I'm hoping for at least six hours. That gives me until 11 PM.
It's time for accomplishments. They will be had.
Go make today good. Get something done, make yourself a more positive person. It's worth it.
Marian.
Today has been quite wonderful. I had one of those moments in which I realized how great I am. This came from the added feelings of awesomeness from reading recommendation letters about me, a 100% on an essay for a class with an extremely critical teacher, and walking past a mirror and realizing how attractive I am.
It's most definitely been a good day. Now, I have many things to do. I'm feeling the motivation. I'm feeling the productive air. I'm in that state that I am extremely productive and content. Life is good. Even if I probably won't get any sleep tonight. I'm hoping for at least six hours. That gives me until 11 PM.
It's time for accomplishments. They will be had.
Go make today good. Get something done, make yourself a more positive person. It's worth it.
Marian.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Monday, Monday.
This has felt lately more like journal writing than usual. I'd prefer to keep it more interesting, however I feel I need this journal writing. It's a nice way to keep my sanity. Not that I have much anyways. ( Anyone who knows me ought to be able to imagine the smile that went on my face with that last statement. )
Today was a bit up and down. Overall, I think today was good. I had an extreme productivity/ motivation moment earlier. I was quite convinced that I will get everything done that I need to get done. I will accomplish everything. I will apply for scholarships. I will finish all my homework. I will do well in my classes this semester. That feeling dissipated when I got home. There's just so much I need to get done. It seems, even to me, that I should be using my time to get stuff done, instead of sitting here writing. Keeping my sanity does have a bit of priority though. I know I'll get all my stuff done; I always do. The process is just stressful.
My music has been quite the help. I'm currently blasting Apocalyptica. There's nothing like too loud cello mixed with electric guitar to drown out any thoughts of stress.
Ah, it's an amazing thing when a song can give you chills. (Here's a link if you'd like to hear it.)
I had other thoughts in my mind, but they've floated away. I'm left with a knowing that I need to find my productivity, my positivity, my motivation, and channel these into my work. It's a bit challenging when I'd like to focus on what I want to focus on, not schoolwork. I want to focus on enjoying this part of life. I'd like to focus on the people, the experiences, that I won't be able to get back if I let them pass by. I want to focus on that stuff and let the stressful things go.
I must do what I must do to get to where I want to go, but I don't want to miss out on where I am in the process. I need to find the balance. All in time, I suppose.
Tonight is not the night to worry about these things. They will be done. But, only if I don't waste all my energy and time worrying about them. I have speech Friday and Saturday, and I have Monday off. I will get what needs to be done at the time it needs to be done. One thing at a time.
I will be successful in all the places I want to be successful.
Hooray for determination!
My work has been done to the extent I can do it properly.
Now, I believe, is time for bed.
Goodnight, and best of luck in all of your endeavors,
Marian.
Today was a bit up and down. Overall, I think today was good. I had an extreme productivity/ motivation moment earlier. I was quite convinced that I will get everything done that I need to get done. I will accomplish everything. I will apply for scholarships. I will finish all my homework. I will do well in my classes this semester. That feeling dissipated when I got home. There's just so much I need to get done. It seems, even to me, that I should be using my time to get stuff done, instead of sitting here writing. Keeping my sanity does have a bit of priority though. I know I'll get all my stuff done; I always do. The process is just stressful.
My music has been quite the help. I'm currently blasting Apocalyptica. There's nothing like too loud cello mixed with electric guitar to drown out any thoughts of stress.
Ah, it's an amazing thing when a song can give you chills. (Here's a link if you'd like to hear it.)
I had other thoughts in my mind, but they've floated away. I'm left with a knowing that I need to find my productivity, my positivity, my motivation, and channel these into my work. It's a bit challenging when I'd like to focus on what I want to focus on, not schoolwork. I want to focus on enjoying this part of life. I'd like to focus on the people, the experiences, that I won't be able to get back if I let them pass by. I want to focus on that stuff and let the stressful things go.
I must do what I must do to get to where I want to go, but I don't want to miss out on where I am in the process. I need to find the balance. All in time, I suppose.
Tonight is not the night to worry about these things. They will be done. But, only if I don't waste all my energy and time worrying about them. I have speech Friday and Saturday, and I have Monday off. I will get what needs to be done at the time it needs to be done. One thing at a time.
I will be successful in all the places I want to be successful.
Hooray for determination!
My work has been done to the extent I can do it properly.
Now, I believe, is time for bed.
Goodnight, and best of luck in all of your endeavors,
Marian.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
New thoughts of today
Today has been fairly productive. Maybe not in the tangible sense. But, it has felt productive. I've finished my math homework, read a few things for debate and done some thinking.
There are things I've thought of that I cannot share at the moment. But, I will share something Einstein said once: "The more I learn, the more I realize I don't know. The more I realize I don't know, the more I want to learn." This is fitting today, more so than usual. I may share someday what this is about, but it will be a while.
I'm feeling good today. I had a slight blip in that positivity earlier, but I've gotten over it.
I've also done some other thinking, not about the vague things I already mentioned. I've done some thinking about happiness. Some things aren't necessary for happiness, but they're enjoyable nonetheless. Some things you could be content without but still bring you joy. And long-term, these things can be looked upon as great events in life. The little things often bring the most joy.
I'm finding a better balance between really necessary and solely enjoyable. It's been quite pleasing.
Music and contemplation always seem to make me content. Today, however, I think I've gotten to a higher level of making everything fit together in a good way.
I'd very much like to go back to school and spread this energy I have with people. At the moment, I don't have that option. So, I think I'll pour it into my work. Right now feels like a time to continue writing. Maybe I'll go write an essay or two and hope for some scholarship money because of it.
I've found my motivated mood, my productive feelings, and I'm not going to let it go away now.
Today has been good.
Go do some serious thinking,
It's good for the mind.
Marian
There are things I've thought of that I cannot share at the moment. But, I will share something Einstein said once: "The more I learn, the more I realize I don't know. The more I realize I don't know, the more I want to learn." This is fitting today, more so than usual. I may share someday what this is about, but it will be a while.
I'm feeling good today. I had a slight blip in that positivity earlier, but I've gotten over it.
I've also done some other thinking, not about the vague things I already mentioned. I've done some thinking about happiness. Some things aren't necessary for happiness, but they're enjoyable nonetheless. Some things you could be content without but still bring you joy. And long-term, these things can be looked upon as great events in life. The little things often bring the most joy.
I'm finding a better balance between really necessary and solely enjoyable. It's been quite pleasing.
Music and contemplation always seem to make me content. Today, however, I think I've gotten to a higher level of making everything fit together in a good way.
I'd very much like to go back to school and spread this energy I have with people. At the moment, I don't have that option. So, I think I'll pour it into my work. Right now feels like a time to continue writing. Maybe I'll go write an essay or two and hope for some scholarship money because of it.
I've found my motivated mood, my productive feelings, and I'm not going to let it go away now.
Today has been good.
Go do some serious thinking,
It's good for the mind.
Marian
Friday, January 6, 2012
A spike in positivity
The past two days have been pretty great. Yesterday was awesome, to say the least. It doesn't even need any explanation. Today was pretty good. School was good; I'm starting to get used to it again. I definitely missed everyone a lot over break. Lunch today was really awesome. Lunch yesterday was... well, it put some things Humanities is a wonderful class. We had quest talk today. It was deep and made me all contemplative-y. I like the idea of it. I'll write more about it later, I'm sure.
Now, I'm at my debate partner's house. We had the intention of working on cases and we did... some. Much more work needs to be done, but they are outlined and we have some evidence. It's just the putting together and making sound good. That's the time consuming part, though.
The more I'm writing, the more my brain is shutting down. Today was good. Yesterday was great. A very good ending to a week that started out on a negative note. I feel like everything's working decently again. Everything is good. I just need to keep up with school now. Thinking about school is stressful. But, I am determined not to be stressed. I'll think of these happy things, though, and it makes it better. I have people to blame in the best of ways for this happiness.
I am once again content.
Marian.
Now, I'm at my debate partner's house. We had the intention of working on cases and we did... some. Much more work needs to be done, but they are outlined and we have some evidence. It's just the putting together and making sound good. That's the time consuming part, though.
The more I'm writing, the more my brain is shutting down. Today was good. Yesterday was great. A very good ending to a week that started out on a negative note. I feel like everything's working decently again. Everything is good. I just need to keep up with school now. Thinking about school is stressful. But, I am determined not to be stressed. I'll think of these happy things, though, and it makes it better. I have people to blame in the best of ways for this happiness.
I am once again content.
Marian.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Ending of winter break
Today was the first day back to school after winter break. It was really nice to go back. I missed everyone. Sitting at home wasn't too much fun for me after the first few days. I definitely was getting in a not so positive place towards the end there. It's not happy having no one around and nothing pleasant to do. Schoolwork doesn't count, of course. There's much work I was hoping to get done and didn't. I know I had loads of time over break, but I got in this apathetic mood of nothingness. Once I get busier again, I'll get to it efficiently.
Tonight, I have math homework. I'm not going to do all of it, however. I will do some of it. Then I shall curl up in my bed, have happy thoughts of the people I missed that I saw again today, and read a book. I might even read a book that needs to be read for my senior project and take notes. That way, I'm having a decent time and still getting stuff done.
I have a feeling that I'm going to get stuck with all the happy thoughts. I've missed a lot of people. Today was a good day, even if I woke up at six AM. Tomorrow, I get to sleep in until six-thirty and I'll have another good day. I'll make sure of it.
No matter how much I don't like people, I'm a social creature. I need people around sometimes, just to have that interaction. Being free from the energy of people is nice, but two weeks starts to make everything look a little desolate.
Enough with the unhappy stuff. I'm very glad to be back in school, for now. I'm sure I'll be cursing the work and wishing for break again in the next week or so.
This makes me think of something I heard a while back:
They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. But maybe, if you didn't take so much time looking at the other guy's grass, you'd take some more time to care for your own.
It's a thought that resonates with some of the other quotes I've mentioned. Think about it. Go care for your "grass". Make your life better. Be happy, just because.
Marian
Tonight, I have math homework. I'm not going to do all of it, however. I will do some of it. Then I shall curl up in my bed, have happy thoughts of the people I missed that I saw again today, and read a book. I might even read a book that needs to be read for my senior project and take notes. That way, I'm having a decent time and still getting stuff done.
I have a feeling that I'm going to get stuck with all the happy thoughts. I've missed a lot of people. Today was a good day, even if I woke up at six AM. Tomorrow, I get to sleep in until six-thirty and I'll have another good day. I'll make sure of it.
No matter how much I don't like people, I'm a social creature. I need people around sometimes, just to have that interaction. Being free from the energy of people is nice, but two weeks starts to make everything look a little desolate.
Enough with the unhappy stuff. I'm very glad to be back in school, for now. I'm sure I'll be cursing the work and wishing for break again in the next week or so.
This makes me think of something I heard a while back:
They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. But maybe, if you didn't take so much time looking at the other guy's grass, you'd take some more time to care for your own.
It's a thought that resonates with some of the other quotes I've mentioned. Think about it. Go care for your "grass". Make your life better. Be happy, just because.
Marian
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Today is the last day of 2011.
For many around the world, 2011 is already of the past. The beginning of a new year often gives humanity a reason to reflect on the past and hope/plan for the future. Today is a day that we celebrate the passing of time.
The beginning of a new year offers the hope for a fresh start, even if essentially nothing has changed. So many hope to change themselves for the better in the coming year, because they didn't in the passing one. Change isn't brought by time; it's brought by what you do within that time. Nothing changes you but you. People and experiences only make you realize sooner what you would've eventually learned yourself. Once you realize that you can control how you react, how you feel, you can bring yourself to a better place. "Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it." -Lou Holtz
You can control your reactions, you only must understand them. You must let yourself feel however you're going to feel. You can't get anywhere trying to ignore your emotions. You have to search for why you feel that way. The deeper reason. You cannot settle with explaining negative emotion by telling yourself, "I'm having a bad day". You have to ask why? Why is it bad? Why did those things affect you so? Why is it a big deal? Why does it bother you? Why does it matter? Does it even matter at all?
You can't solve anything without answering these questions. You have to let yourself feel and understand why you feel that way. Only then can you really move on. Packing all the negative stuff in a box then putting that box on a hidden shelf in your mind only leads to piles of boxes tumbling down at once. This facing your problems and serious internal contemplation is the only way you can get over anything.
Moving on to the topic of regrets. Regrets, by my definition, are things you wish you could go back to change. If you can't change it, there's no use feeling bad about it. So something happened that you don't like. It's done now. It's over, you can't change it. If there's something you regret that's still active in your life, that you can change, then fix it. There's no use wasting your energy feeling dissatisfied with yourself. If you can fix it, or at least help it, do. Don't spend your time and energy moping around hating yourself. Put yourself to use. Either get over those emotions, or fix whatever is causing them. Whichever way you approach the situation, it's much more positive.
Recently, I've realized just how much most relationships (friendship, romantic, whatever it may be) are really awful. There isn't much reason to keep someone around if you can't be open with them, if you can't tell them what you're thinking or how you're feeling. The ability to be completely open with someone, not having to filter your words, is liberating. It's a feeling like nothing else. I have also come to realize it is only so good when only one person is being open. There is so much more to relationships when you are open with each other. Tell someone how you really feel when they ask how you are. Tell someone what you really think about whatever you're talking about. You'll feel better, believe me. Filtering is a lot of work, even if you don't realize it. It's stress relieving to be so straightforward.
People as a whole need to realize just what they care about. We spend so much of our lives living as shells. The shallow parts of our being. There is so much more. We spend our time living on the surface of so much more. We never take the time to understand ourselves, what we want in life, our hopes, our desires, our dreams. There is so much more that most never take the time to reach for. Take some time for contemplation. Think about these things. Write them down. If you use Chrome, you can add an application called Listhings. It will always be there in your browser, just for you to take random notes on. It's quite useful for both everyday stuff and the ever-changing life stuff.
We've come to this point that we just go through our lives as we think we should. We never take the time to really think about it. We never take the time to examine our lives or our happiness. Today is a good day to take that time. Right now is a good moment to take that time. Today is a good day to be completely honest and open. Right now is a good moment to be honest and open. Today is a good day to take your life to a deeper level. Today is a good day to be more than that shell of a person. All you ever have is the moment you're in. So, take the time to understand what you want and need in your life.
Ultimately, you are the only one with control of your happiness. Choose to make today a better day. Choose to make each moment a better moment. Choose to steer yourself in a good direction.
Take the past and learn from it. Look to the future and prepare for it. Live in the moment and enjoy it.
I wish you all a happy end to 2011 and a joyful beginning to 2012,
Marian.
The beginning of a new year offers the hope for a fresh start, even if essentially nothing has changed. So many hope to change themselves for the better in the coming year, because they didn't in the passing one. Change isn't brought by time; it's brought by what you do within that time. Nothing changes you but you. People and experiences only make you realize sooner what you would've eventually learned yourself. Once you realize that you can control how you react, how you feel, you can bring yourself to a better place. "Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it." -Lou Holtz
You can control your reactions, you only must understand them. You must let yourself feel however you're going to feel. You can't get anywhere trying to ignore your emotions. You have to search for why you feel that way. The deeper reason. You cannot settle with explaining negative emotion by telling yourself, "I'm having a bad day". You have to ask why? Why is it bad? Why did those things affect you so? Why is it a big deal? Why does it bother you? Why does it matter? Does it even matter at all?
You can't solve anything without answering these questions. You have to let yourself feel and understand why you feel that way. Only then can you really move on. Packing all the negative stuff in a box then putting that box on a hidden shelf in your mind only leads to piles of boxes tumbling down at once. This facing your problems and serious internal contemplation is the only way you can get over anything.
Moving on to the topic of regrets. Regrets, by my definition, are things you wish you could go back to change. If you can't change it, there's no use feeling bad about it. So something happened that you don't like. It's done now. It's over, you can't change it. If there's something you regret that's still active in your life, that you can change, then fix it. There's no use wasting your energy feeling dissatisfied with yourself. If you can fix it, or at least help it, do. Don't spend your time and energy moping around hating yourself. Put yourself to use. Either get over those emotions, or fix whatever is causing them. Whichever way you approach the situation, it's much more positive.
Recently, I've realized just how much most relationships (friendship, romantic, whatever it may be) are really awful. There isn't much reason to keep someone around if you can't be open with them, if you can't tell them what you're thinking or how you're feeling. The ability to be completely open with someone, not having to filter your words, is liberating. It's a feeling like nothing else. I have also come to realize it is only so good when only one person is being open. There is so much more to relationships when you are open with each other. Tell someone how you really feel when they ask how you are. Tell someone what you really think about whatever you're talking about. You'll feel better, believe me. Filtering is a lot of work, even if you don't realize it. It's stress relieving to be so straightforward.
People as a whole need to realize just what they care about. We spend so much of our lives living as shells. The shallow parts of our being. There is so much more. We spend our time living on the surface of so much more. We never take the time to understand ourselves, what we want in life, our hopes, our desires, our dreams. There is so much more that most never take the time to reach for. Take some time for contemplation. Think about these things. Write them down. If you use Chrome, you can add an application called Listhings. It will always be there in your browser, just for you to take random notes on. It's quite useful for both everyday stuff and the ever-changing life stuff.
We've come to this point that we just go through our lives as we think we should. We never take the time to really think about it. We never take the time to examine our lives or our happiness. Today is a good day to take that time. Right now is a good moment to take that time. Today is a good day to be completely honest and open. Right now is a good moment to be honest and open. Today is a good day to take your life to a deeper level. Today is a good day to be more than that shell of a person. All you ever have is the moment you're in. So, take the time to understand what you want and need in your life.
Ultimately, you are the only one with control of your happiness. Choose to make today a better day. Choose to make each moment a better moment. Choose to steer yourself in a good direction.
Take the past and learn from it. Look to the future and prepare for it. Live in the moment and enjoy it.
I wish you all a happy end to 2011 and a joyful beginning to 2012,
Marian.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Productivity.
Today I've been working on a few things. I wrote a two essays for Oregon State's Honors College. Since I
don't have much else to write about today, I figure I'll post them.
Essay1:
When I was younger, I played violin. Playing violin those years, even though I was not fond of it, expanded my views and changed what I appreciate. This appreciation applies to not just violin, but most everything musical. Even if I don't personally take pleasure in a genre of music, I can recognize the time, energy and talent spent.
For the past three years, I have played the drums. It's profoundly altered my perception of musical quality. There is more to music than simple lyrics, a beat and some filler. To enjoy a piece of music, it must reach my core. It must speak to me on a deeper level than lyrics. A good piece of music incorporates all the instruments and flows.
A wonderful example of this is the music by a group called Escala. They strive to bring classical instruments to the world in a way that the masses can enjoy. I highly recommend anyone reading this listen to their music. Their music has an energy and a dep th not often found; Escala has reached me like none other.
We, as humans, try to translate life in these broken sentences put to song. The beat, the rhythm, the force of the devotion behind the music is what reaches out and speaks to us. We try to describe life through words, thoughts, actions but only with a piece of music can one invoke so many emotions in so many. Music is the language we all understand.
Essay2:
"Additional Circumstances" optional box:
I'm going to be straight forward. My academics look good; I have a 3.97, took AP calculus as a junior and have excelled in speech and debate. That's great but, for many, that makes boring people. I just want to let you know that, no matter how cliche it sounds, I am different.
I grew up involved in a family business of growing trees (big trees, sold as logs). I have strong Brazilian heritage on my mother's side of the family. Most importantly in my opinion, I'm a generally very positive and helpful person. I make the best of just about any situation, even if I don't feel like it. To be blunt, a positive student with a sense of humor is a good student to have around.
I am seriously hoping to be accepted to the University Honors College. I love to learn; that's what school is about for me. In honors classes, I am more likely to have that better learning experience. I give you sincere thanks for reading my application.
don't have much else to write about today, I figure I'll post them.
Essay1:
When I was younger, I played violin. Playing violin those years, even though I was not fond of it, expanded my views and changed what I appreciate. This appreciation applies to not just violin, but most everything musical. Even if I don't personally take pleasure in a genre of music, I can recognize the time, energy and talent spent.
For the past three years, I have played the drums. It's profoundly altered my perception of musical quality. There is more to music than simple lyrics, a beat and some filler. To enjoy a piece of music, it must reach my core. It must speak to me on a deeper level than lyrics. A good piece of music incorporates all the instruments and flows.
A wonderful example of this is the music by a group called Escala. They strive to bring classical instruments to the world in a way that the masses can enjoy. I highly recommend anyone reading this listen to their music. Their music has an energy and a dep th not often found; Escala has reached me like none other.
We, as humans, try to translate life in these broken sentences put to song. The beat, the rhythm, the force of the devotion behind the music is what reaches out and speaks to us. We try to describe life through words, thoughts, actions but only with a piece of music can one invoke so many emotions in so many. Music is the language we all understand.
Essay2:
I was watching CNN, as always, on December 29th. Michelle Bachmann must believe that everyone thinks she only has white middle aged supporters. This is mostly true, but that's not the point. In her only real recognition in recent weeks, she's apparently decided to branch out. She's done this with what some would call a "token black kid" .
I have the impression she doesn't keep up with current happenings. Herman Cain is no longer the GOP leader. This "token black kid" will not help her defeat him or Obama. It certainly won't help her win Iowa in the looming caucuses.
In all seriousness, however, the Republican candidates are unsatisfactory. The Associated Press published an article, on December 29th, about the topic. It was written as most of their articles are written: fairly well and to the point.
Romney has been one candidate with stable voter support. He's too moderate to get much Republican support, but I think m uch of the country could be satisfied with him as president. I have read and seen voters opposing him simply because of his belief. To be blunt, that really bothers me. We can not get past these labels we give people and look at what they think and stand for.
I wrote about this topic because it's a big deal for our country. Whoever becomes the Republican nominee will have a good chance of winning the presidency. If, for nothing else, the bad economic times that have faced our country during Obama's presidency.
I have the impression she doesn't keep up with current happenings. Herman Cain is no longer the GOP leader. This "token black kid" will not help her defeat him or Obama. It certainly won't help her win Iowa in the looming caucuses.
In all seriousness, however, the Republican candidates are unsatisfactory. The Associated Press published an article, on December 29th, about the topic. It was written as most of their articles are written: fairly well and to the point.
Romney has been one candidate with stable voter support. He's too moderate to get much Republican support, but I think m uch of the country could be satisfied with him as president. I have read and seen voters opposing him simply because of his belief. To be blunt, that really bothers me. We can not get past these labels we give people and look at what they think and stand for.
I wrote about this topic because it's a big deal for our country. Whoever becomes the Republican nominee will have a good chance of winning the presidency. If, for nothing else, the bad economic times that have faced our country during Obama's presidency.
I'm going to be straight forward. My academics look good; I have a 3.97, took AP calculus as a junior and have excelled in speech and debate. That's great but, for many, that makes boring people. I just want to let you know that, no matter how cliche it sounds, I am different.
I grew up involved in a family business of growing trees (big trees, sold as logs). I have strong Brazilian heritage on my mother's side of the family. Most importantly in my opinion, I'm a generally very positive and helpful person. I make the best of just about any situation, even if I don't feel like it. To be blunt, a positive student with a sense of humor is a good student to have around.
I am seriously hoping to be accepted to the University Honors College. I love to learn; that's what school is about for me. In honors classes, I am more likely to have that better learning experience. I give you sincere thanks for reading my application.
So, that's that. I have much more to do before I go back to school. Most important is probably scholarships. I still also need to work on my photo assignment, reteach myself math and do my homework, read the photography books and take notes, finish that story, work on debate and memorize my humorous. Before break is over, I'm aiming to get some scholarships done, finish more of my photo assignment, do math, read at least one book and take notes, finish that story, work some more on debate and at least practice my humorous.
There's much to be done. Back to productivity for me!
Marian.
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